Part of me (a small part) feels guilty for letting go of so much. Letting go of trying to do it all. House work, cook, shop, clean, laundry, child care. I am letting Carl take over most of these responsibilities. Every morning he rises at 6:00 am with me to make breakfast, pack the girls’ lunches. He gets them up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, out the door and to school. Then heads to town for his job. Straight home from work he rushes to pick up the girls and start dinner.
I, however, leave before the girls wake. Eating breakfast and packing my meals/snacks for the day in the early morning light. After my workday I head straight to the local YMCA down the road from my workplace. Arriving home 12 hours after I left, I listen as the girls share the excitement of their day with me. Bath, teeth brushed, snuggle-in-bed-for-book-reading and personal story time, this is the bookend of our day.
So far all three of my children are enjoying their school experiences. Alina is so fond of her teacher. Sita has new friends after only three days. Sean is excited to be learning new things (his words, not mine).
I like my work so far and the people I work with are truly amazing. The state facility I am employed at serves the Intellectually Disabled. The 270 or so individuals living at this facility are on the severely to profound end of the spectrum, and almost all of them have moderate to severe physical disabilities. Many of the employees I have met have been there for 25 or more years and are truly compassionate and inspired people.
Despite working full-time, I feel more relaxed and rested than I have in a long time.
As a homeschooling mom I had put so much pressure on myself. I wanted to do it all and it all had to perfect.
Homeschool lessons for three children, our weekly co-op responsibilities, shuttling to classes and activities, juggling 25 plus work hours with managing the home, not to mention adjusting custody/visitation to suit my ex-husband’s constantly changing work schedules…
It seemed I had no room to breathe. I was constantly beating myself up for not living up to my own expectations.
I didn’t realize how much stress I was carrying around. The burden I had placed on myself. The burden of perfection and being responsible for everyone else’s happiness and contentment.
So yes, I am letting go. For so long Carl has carried the financial burden – working in high stress positions while enduring miserable commutes.
Now I am responsible for the majority of our income and providing for our family health insurance. I like my work. I like that I am learning new things and improving the health of others. My commute, although long, is pleasant.
I feel a huge weight has been lifted. I find I am sleeping better and my anxiety is nearly gone.
I am taking care of myself – eating good food at regular times, and exercising vigorously again. I have consistency in my days.
I still have personal goals to pursue, and my free time is severely limited. But for now, I am OK with the way things are.
What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
I hope I am becoming something better.